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"Behold: The World’s First Wearable UFO for Your Face!"

Let’s just take a moment to appreciate the sheer audacity of the 650nm Nose and Ear Red Light Therapy Device. Because when your ears are ringing like a fire drill at a kazoo factory, the logical solution is to... shove glowing probes up your nostrils and hang a flashing necklace around your neck like a rave DJ with sinus issues.

I bought this device thinking, Why not? It’s 2-in-1! (Twice the nonsense, half the dignity.) The product promised to soothe my tinnitus using red light beamed directly into my brain through the holy trinity of healing: ears, nose, and vibes. I’ve now spent several nights looking like a cyborg reindeer, blinking red in the dark, while the ringing in my ears remained as faithful as ever.

And let’s not forget how “portable” it is. Yes, technically it can hang around your neck… along with the shame of being seen in it. I wore it once near my family and my dog hasn’t looked me in the eye since.

Did it reduce my tinnitus? No. But did it make me look like I'm auditioning for a low-budget sci-fi film called Attack of the Sinus Lasers? Absolutely.

So thank you, 650nm Red Light Therapy Device. You didn’t fix my hearing, but you did light up my life—one blinking nostril at a time.